My La Toya Dictionary

La Toya Jackson is one of the patron saints of Pop Trash Addicts - as the multitude of posts devoted to Queen Toy clearly attest. I've had a couple of queries about some of the Toy terminology that I use, so I have decided to put together a La Toya Dictionary. As La Toya's new single, "Armed & Famous", is apparently ready to hit radio and propel La Toya to international superstardom, there is no time like the present for a little La Toya education!

La Toya Dictionary

Amy – Ja-Tail’s technologically challenged secretary.

Baby Sister – A formal nickname for La Toya’s sister Janet. Stems from La Toya’s 1986 song about Janet, called “Baby Sister”.

Back door – La Toya’s anus. This term became popular with Toy Soldiers after La Toya sang about rubbing her big back door in “Just Wanna Dance”.

Chicken Fajitas – La Toya’s favourite vegetarian meal.

The Church – An abbreviation for The Church of La Toya, which is the spiritual home of La Toya fans.

Do a chest-to-chest – A reference to lyrics in “Just Wanna Dance”. Literal meaning is to rub one’s breasts against someone else’s breasts in a sexual manner.

Feel somebody’s funk – To be attracted to someone. A reference to La Toya’s debut single, and Dutch top 20 smash hit, “If You Feel The Funk”.

Front door – La Toya’s vagina. A reference to lyrics in the song “Sexbox”.

Get correct – A reference to lyrics in La Toya’s New Zealand mega-hit “You’re Gonna Get Rocked”. Another way of saying “wisen up”.

Gordon Years – The years La Toya spent married to Jack Gordon.

Ja-Tail – La Toya’s useless record company – which has still managed to not release a single commercially available item in 5 years.

Ja-Tail Gate – The scandal that ensued when a Toy Soldier discovered that Ja-Tail’s office is a post box.

Jack Gordon – La Toya’s psychotic and abusive ex-manager, who is currently burning in hell.

Janft - Janet Jackson

Jeffre Phillips – La Toya’s incompetent manager and rumoured gay husband.

Manet – Janet Jackson. This nickname brings attention to Janet’s masculine appearance.

Manita Ho – A play on Janet Jackson’s middle name, Damita Jo. This nickname brings attention to both Janet’s masculine build and the fact that she is a slut.

Toy Toy, The Tranny & Manita Ho

Psychic Toy – References to La Toya’s reputed psychic power and supernatural abilities come from La Toya fronting a psychic hotline.

Put someone in check - A threat of violence. This is another reference to "You're Gonna Get Rocked".

Rub one’s big back door – A reference to the lyrics in “Just Wanna Dance”. Means to rub one’s buttocks in a sexual fashion.

Sexbox - La Toya's vagina. A reference to lyrics in La Toya's Dutch smash hit "Sexbox".

Throw it down – La Toya claims to be “throwin’ it down with a new sound” in “You’re Gonna Get Rocked, meaning to “show what one’s got”.

Toy – A more formal version of La Toya’s nickname.

Toy’s Haven – La Toya’s fan chatroom.

Toy Soldiers – La Toya’s fans.

Toy Toy – La Toya’s nickname. Fans use it as a term of endearment.

Toygasm – An orgasm experienced while reading about, watching or listening to La Toya.

Toygate – The scandal that followed La Toya claiming that Michael Jackson was a child molester.

Toyriffic – Terrific but in a camp, outrageous or fabulously unsuccessful way.

Toytacular – Spectacular but in a camp, outrageous or fabulously unsuccessful way.

Toytastic – Fantastic but in a camp, outrageous or fabulously unsuccessful way.

The Tranny – Michael Jackson. A reference to Michael’s cross-dressing antics.

Trial Toy Toy – A reference to La Toya's fabulous publicity whoring antics at Michael Jackson's trial.

The Universal Love Of La Toya – The original place of online worship for La Toya fans.

Walls – La Toya’s vaginal opening. A reference to lyrics in La Toya’s Euro-house classic “Sexual Feeling”.

Remixing Bionda

Bionda is becoming something of a fixture on this Blog as one of the holy trinity of Swedish pop trash queens, along with the lovely Olinda and Marie Plosjo. Of the three, Bionda is definitely my favourite. Her publicity whoring antics are already a thing of legend. Who else but the woman formerly known as Linda Rosing could squeeze in having sex on national television in the Big Brother house, launching a failed pop career, starting a political party (which garnered only 222 votes in the election), writing an autobiography (well, having one ghost written by a gay journalist) and re-launching a pop career with a tour consisting of three songs - into only a couple of years? As far as I'm concerned, someone should be handing Bionda a Nobel Prize for services to the Swedish tabloids!

One of my favourite songs of 2006 was Bionda's stunning pop anthem, "Forget Me, Forget Me Not". The song shocked everyone by actually charting in Sweden and has become an internet favourite. Bionda's number 1 desperate gay fan, Tommie, recently sent me the remixes of "Forget Me, Forget Me Not" and one of them really stood as being worthy of an international icon like Bionda. The "Snakebyte Floorfiller Edit" is a wonderful piece of Euro-disco that almost manages to improve on the original. This remix makes Bionda sound like a Swedish Dannii Minogue impersonator - which is obviously almost unbearably fabulous. I just had to share it with Bionda's tens of fans around the globe!

For those of you who missed out on the original:

Tommie has also been kind enough to upload the amazing video to youtube. This is seriously fantastic. It's mind-boggling what you can do with $20 and a camcorder! Watch the video here.

Bionda has made such an impact that some incredible fans are petitioning AATW records to sign Bionda - join the petition!

Brigitte Nielsen Is The One... Nobody Else

Brigitte Nielsen's trash credentials are absolutely flawless. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that Brigitte is Euro-trash royalty! The one time Mrs Sylvester Stallone has done it all - Z grade movies, Playboy spreads and reality TV shows. However, her greatest contribution to modern culture is undoubtedly her amazing two album musical career. Her debut album, "Every Body Tells A Story", is wonderful but its follow up - "I Am The One... Nobody Else" - is the musical masterpiece that has cemented Brigitte's standing as a modern day icon.
"I Am The One... Nobody Else" is almost unbearably tragi-fabulous. Brigitte was happy to stay within the safety zone of Euro-pop for her debut album but explored the emerging hip hop movement for its successor and even incorporated some rapping. I think it's fair to say that Brigitte is the original Eminem! The album stiffed pretty much everywhere but has developed a cult following over the years. I listened to the album for the first time in a couple of months last night and I was so overwhelmed by Brigitte's genius that I felt the urge to touch myself and then share some of the more fabulous tracks with you. I'll come back to Brigitte's debut album another time.
"I've Got The Best Man" is a good example of the album's tone, without being quite as craptastic as the songs below. Basically, Brigitte lists why she has the best man with some seriously dubious lyrics like "my life is so complete, other men just can't compete". This song has everything: cheesy Euro-beats, heavily accented rapping and a sax solo!

Nothing will prepare you for the splendour of "Give Me A Chance". The song begins with Brigitte ringing the doorbell and finding some skank at home with her man. Obviously, Brigitte is having none of it and storms inside for a rap duel with the brazen hussy. The lyrics are truly joyful, my favourite lines include:

Brigitte - He would never dump me, tall and sexy as I am.
Slut - Well evidently that's not enough, he must want beauty to wake up to!

Brigitte - I have beauty and brains. That's why he's kept me for five years!
Slut - As they say, out with the old and in with the new!

Can you believe the nerve of this bitch?! Thankfully, Brigitte sets the woman straight by the end of the song. "Give Me A Chance" is a veritable trash classic.

Things spiral even further out of control with "Who Told You", which is the moving tale of a well-hung man who doesn't know how to use his amazing endowment. Poor Brigitte pleads - "you're such a popular boy, you were born with such a beautiful toy. Do you know how to use it?" Trust Brigitte to delve into the big issues. "Who Told You" is one of the most straightforward pop moments on the album and never ceases to cheer me up.

As if "I Am The One... Nobody Else" isn't fabulous enough, Brigitte recently married a hot Italian stud, more than 20 years her junior. She even made him wear underwear to the wedding! Brigitte is, and will always be, the one for me.

Brigitte's wedding day

New Lorenz For The New Year!

It's time for another dose of Euro-pop from the Italian sex god/man whore, Lorenz! The songs from my previous Lorenz post were the two most downloaded tracks from this site until very recently, so I know I'm not alone with my Lorenz obsession. A couple of weeks ago I was lucky enough to come across the promo for a song called "Right Back", which was to be Lorenz's third single. It appears to have been scheduled for release in November and seeing as there is still no sign of it, I assume it has been scrapped. Personally, I find this utterly devastating as the world needs the musical genius of Lorenz!

"Right Back" is a cheesy ballad, complete with an hysterical video that has Lorenz walking along the beach in tight, wet clothing. In other words, it is trash of the highest order! The promo also comes with a fabulous dance edit and a 12" remix. The idea of Lorenz and a 12" is hot in theory but the mix is a bit dull, so I've only uploaded the dance mix and standard version. I'm not sure how to upload the video from the CD single, which is a shame because it wasn't available the last time I checked Lorenz's website. If anyone has any suggestions on how to upload it, let me know. I'm sure fans of "Set Me Free" and "Turn The Beat Around" will not be disappointed! I just hope this isn't the last we see of Lorenz because he just might be the most gifted musician on the face of the earth!

If anyone has any news about this god amongst men, please send me an e-mail! By the way, I am the only one who thinks Lorenz looks a bit like David Boreanz in the picture below?

Your Christmas Toy!

I wanted to share something special for Christmas and I couldn't think of anything better than my favourite album by any Jackson! La Toya's opus, "Heart Don't Lie", would easily make the list of my 10 favourite albums of all time. In fact, statistical research (carried out by yours truly) suggests that 4 out of 5 Sydney drag queens prefer "Heart Don't Lie" to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". If that isn't reason enough to get you downloading, I don't know what is! I'm going to post the album in full because I truly believe that every pop fan should own this masterpiece in one form or another. The album was only released on CD in Japan, and if you want a copy, expect to pay up to $US 300.

"Heart Don't Lie" was released in 1984, THE glory year for the Jackson family. Michael was still riding the "Thriller" tidal wave, Jermaine had top 10 success with his "Dynamite" album, Rebbie unexpectedly hit the R'n'B top 5 with "Centipede", Janet launched her second solo album "Dream Street", and The Jacksons embarked on their hugely successful "Victory" tour. In the midst of all this, La Toya served up her third album, "Heart Don't Lie". Toy turned her back on the R'n'B sound of her first two albums (see the November and December archives) and fully embraced the synth-pop movement that was currently exploding in popularity all around the world. The result is one of the best albums of the 1980s and one of the most sadly forgotten albums in musical history. "Heart Don't Lie" was more successful than her previous releases and the title track was a minor hit in the US but this should have been La Toya's "Thriller" or "Control". I'm not being sarcastic, I prefer it to both.


"Heart Don't Lie" kicks off in fabulous style, with the upbeat pop song, "Think Twice". The warm sound of 80s pop music suits La Toya's unique vocals superbly. This is what La Toya's collaboration with SAW in the late 80s should have sounded like. "Think Twice" would have made a great first single, as it is somewhat more representative of the album than the title track. "Heart Don't Lie" blends reggae with bubblegum pop and the result is sublime - but unusual to say the least! The backing singers are Musical Youth, those "Pass The Dutchie" boys. This is one of my personal favourites, not in the least because of the craptastic 80s video.

The next song is another straightforward pop anthem. "Bet'cha Gonna Need My Lovin'" is a true 80s pop gem. This is better than anything Madonna managed in the decade that taste forgot, and I love 80s Madonna! Speaking of 80s icons, La Toya's amazing cover of Prince's "Private Joy" is definitely one of my top 5 Toy songs. I'm convinced this song is really about La Toya's extensive collection of vibrators but I could be mistaken. Pop heaven!

"Hot Potato" has become a cult classic over the years and Toy's fans recently voted it their equal favourite La Toya song. This song has everything - hilarious lyrics, barking dogs, gangster boyfriends and a spoken interlude by La Toya's bodyguard. "Hot Potato" is essential La Toya! "I Like Everything You're Doin'" would not sound out of place on Janet's "Control". The song incorporates more elements of 80s R'n'B than most of the album but remains very much "pop".

The standard of the album is so high that the quality had to slip eventually. "Frustration" is the only song on "Heart Don't Lie" that I don't love. However, I still enjoy it. Blame Tito, who produced this number with his father, Joe Jackson. The album ends with one of La Toya's notoriously unique ballads, "Without You". It seems a strange choice to end such an upbeat album with a ballad but "Without You" is such a jewel of 80s decadence with its elaborate spoken intro and vocal hystrionics that you wont mind a bit.

I hope La Toya gives your Christmas a sparkling "pop trash" gleam! Have a great day and save some pudding for me! See you soon for Blog Land's most craptastic end of year countdown.

Sweden's Blazing New Talent - Bionda!

I have to thank Bionda's number 1 fan, Tommie, for bringing this Swedish sensation to my attention. Without him, I would have no idea that this ex-Big Brother contestant/nude model/failed politician/pop queen even existed. Bionda, the cheap tart formerly known as Linda Rosing, is one of Sweden's trashiest celebrities. It seems there is nothing Bionda wont do for publicity, from starting her own political party to getting cosmetic surgery on national television! Are you starting to love her already?

Bionda launches her political party

If Bionda's tragic publicity whoring isn't inspiring enough, it seems Bionda has recently embarked on a tour - with a setlist of 3 songs! You can even watch Bionda's entire 3 song concert experience thanks to Tommie.

Clip 1
Clip 2
Clip 3

Bionda's 3 gay fans go crazy when she belts out her latest "hit" - I'm there in spirit!

Apparently, Bionda had to remind the audience that they should be dancing and having fun. What a kind and caring woman, always thinking of her fans! Her backing singers are hysterical. Even Dannii would draw the line at employing that kind of "talent". To get the full Bionda story - check out Tommie's post at La Toya's Haven. As you can tell, the forum is a spiritual centre of trash!


Bionda has unleashed a new tune on the Swedish public and I have to say, Bionda puts all the other credible Swedish divas to shame with the work of genius that is "Forget Me, Forget Me Not". What incredible lyrics and vocals! The song hasn't charted in Sweden yet but it's definitely a future #87 hit in the making. I've also uploaded another Bionda number, the equally stunning "Summer Love". I'm sure, I'm not alone in believing that Bionda is the future of Swedish pop!

The Trashiest Compilation CD In History!

I was so excited to come across this CD in a bargain bin recently that I just had to share the joy. "The Dance Offensive" is possibly the trashiest compilation album in the history of music. The aim of the CD was to promote an anti-drugs message - via a selection of tunes by the Minogues, "E Street" cast members and a variety of other Australian one-hit wonders, no hit wonders and trash icons. Australian pop fans will no doubt start salivating or pass out in shock at this line up: Kylie, Dannii, Melissa Tkautz, Toni Pearen, The Teen Queens, Bruce Samazan, Peter Andre, Radio Freedom, The Rockmelons, Kate Ceberano and Gina G! Some of the "stars" even give their own anti-drug advice in the CD booklet. Make no mistake, this is SOLID GOLD!

"The Dance Offensive", not surprisingly given the strong "E Street" flavour, is part of the glorious Westside records catalogue. Westside records was set up in the early 1990s to produce music for the television program, "E Street", and was responsible for the debut album of Australia's queen of trash, Melissa Tkautz, the tragically fabulous Toni Pearen and the Teen Queens - to name just a few. Basically, Westside records was Australia's PWL - only with fewer hits and less talent! "The Dance Offensive" is such a flashback, I hope everyone enjoys this selection of 90s trash classics as much as I do. Given my years of devotion to her floptastic musical career, I think it's only right to start with Melissa.


Melissa's contribution to "The Dance Offensive" is one of her most random singles. "Is It" was Melissa's attempt at a more dance orientated sound and the result is a spectacularly dated effort with the world's worst rent-a-rapper. Put simply, "Is It" is a masterpiece! Unfortunately, the song was released after Melissa's bubble had burst and it only limped to #39. Nevertheless, Melissa remains the most successful ex- "E Street" luminary with a #1 single ("Read My Lips") and one moderately successful album ("Fresh"). The video for "Is it" is a work of genius. Not only do you get to see the sights of Sydney, you also experience the spectacle of Melissa riding a motorbike, gay dancers and the ugliest hat ever to be worn in public!

Melissa appears to know a lot about the effects of Amphetamines...


Next up is the poor man's Melissa (who, in turn, is the destitute and homeless man's Kylie!), Toni Pearen. I have never liked Toni as much as Melissa, mostly due to her sweet and boring image. I'll take an anorexic, plastic surgery addict over the wholesome girl next-door any day! However, as the years have gone by, Toni has grown on me. I loved her tragic attempt to make it in Hollywood in the mid-90s. Toni had a column in Woman's Day to report on her "glamorous Hollywood lifestyle". Unfortunately, in the whole time she was there, Toni never scored a single role. Since returning to Australia, Toni has become the host of "Australia's Funniest Home Videos". Toni really needs to return to the studio because "Intimate" is a great album and her contribution to "The Dance Offensive", "I Want You", would probably make my top 20 releases by ex-soap stars. The video for "I Want You" is about as banal as Toni, but you should enjoy the song.

Toni should have taken her own advice when it came to acting....

Hold me back, it's plastic fantastic Melissa and Botox queen, Toni!

Melissa: "I'm the new Kylie!"
Toni: "Bitch, please."


I had completely forgotten about Bruce Samazan's spectacularly unsuccessful attempt at music. Bruce is another ex- "E Street" actor but the rest of the world would probably know him best as Mark on "Neighbours". You know, the guy who stood Kimberly Davies up at the altar when he realised he had a calling to the priesthood on his wedding day! If you think that's trashy, as Max on "E Street" he famously turned into a werewolf and later played a psychotic rapist on "Home & Away"! I have a dark confession to make; I was crazy in love with Bruce when he was on "E Street". How embarrassing! I hear that Bruce is working in real estate these days. I wonder if he ever visited Melissa when she working in her Oxford Street solarium.

I'm re-living my childhood - Mel, CJ Young, Bruce & Toni!

Back to the music, Bruce's song has to be heard to believed. I can not believe how FUCKIN' AWFUL it is. Yes people, Bruce decided to release a rap number. Forget anything I have ever said about anyone else, this is the worst song ever released by an Australian (with the obvious exception of Dullta Good-rim). In fact, "One Of A Kind" transcends bad and is kind of brilliant. It's definitely the funniest thing that I've heard in a long while.




The Teen Queens are another product of Westside records and their music appeared in every second episode of "E Street". The Teen Queens are interesting because they were one of the few successful Australian girl groups in the 1990s and their choice of material was very different. They basically covered songs from the 50s and 60s, kind of like a retro Young Divas! The Teen Queens will also be of interest for fans of Hi-5. One of the three girls is a young Kellie Hoggart. The Teen Queens had a few hits, however, I don't think this average cover of "Baby, It's You" was one of them. I might have to do a bigger post on them because they are pretty amusing.


One of the most random songs on "The Dance Offensive" is Jenni Forbes' "Dream On (Kathy's Song)". I remembered the song as soon as I heard it but I have no idea who Jenni is. I think the song was a minor hit in the early 90s because I vaguely remember seeing the clip on "Video Hits". However, Jenni is so obscure that I can't even find a picture of her on the internet. All I know is that she was an Australian singer/songwriter who released at least two songs (I have another song on a different compilation). "Dream On" is actually rather sweet, I wonder what happened to her.


Bass Culture were something like Paul Mac for the early 90s. They were a group of DJs and producers who recorded dance music with different guest singers. Unlike Paul Mac who hangs out with losers like Katie Underwood and Daniel Johns, Bass Culture did songs with the likes of Toni Pearen, Kate Ceberano and Gina G! "Love The Life" is another song I instantly remembered when I listened to "The Dance Offensive". I also recognised the voice of the guest vocalist, credited as "Geena". I did some research and "Geena" is indeed the heavenly Gina G. I guess this would have to be one of the G's first recordings. As far as early 90s dance goes, this is pretty awesome.


If anyone else loves the craptastic "E Street" cast as much as I do, I highly recommend the brilliant Eden Street website. You will find everything there is to know about "E Street" there. I hope you enjoyed this crap walk down memory lane!

Lorenz Is So Wrong, Yet So Right!

Lorenz is surely the trashiest act to score a UK top 40 hit this year. Everything about Lorenz is so wrong, yet so irresistible to a tragic bitch like me. The cheesecake covers are gloriously tacky, his euro-dance sound brings back memories of the "Venga bus" and his nude billboard publicity whoring surely makes him the Sabrina of the naughties! And then there is the cherry on the top - the fact that Lorenz was discovered at an all male review...by Kerry Katona!





According to Lorenz, he is "massive" in Italy. Strangely, my Italian friends have never heard of him. Anyway, if he's not massive in Italy - he should be. This kind of talent comes along once in a generation! I'm not the kind of person to spread unfounded rumours - who am I kidding - but there are rather loud whispers that Lorenz also has an alternate means of income as a male escort. Lorenz, if this is true, I volunteer to test out your services and write a detailed review. I'll even do it for free! Knowing my luck, he's probably married with 5 children.



I guess I should drag myself out of the gutter long enough to mention Lorenz's camp musical output. Lorenz kicked off his English language career with a cover of "Turn The Beat Around". It's not exactly up there with Gloria Estefan's cover or Dannii's pseudo cover ("Perfection"), but I love it! Cheap synths, poor production and reed thin, accented vocals - HEAVEN! Lorenz followed "Turn The Beat Around" with "Set Me Free", his UK top 40 hit. The homosexuals must have been out in force that week because this shit is camp. It's more soulless dance. I can't get enough of it! The other notable thing about "Set Me Free" is the disturbing cover - Lorenz is an attractive man but he has been so airbrushed on the cover that I initially thought it was some kind of digital animation. What went wrong?!

Lorenz is best enjoyed as a visual experience, so check out the cheap but cheerful videos for "Turn The Beat Around" (the dancing is so gay, it brings tears of joy to my eyes!) and "Set Me Free". Thankfully, Lorenz does not appear to own a shirt! Lorenz also appears in various states of undress on his website.





Say hello if you share my passion for all things Lorenz! I'd love to know just how "massive" he is in Italy and what his Italian material sounds like. Oh, and if you've hired Lorenz, tell us if you got enough bang for your buck!

Marcia & The Deni - Remixed!

The duet of the century has finally been released! I've been ranting about Marcia Hines' trash epic, "Discotheque", to anyone who will listen for months (see the November archive). Marcia's craptastic album of disco covers is high on my list for the album of the year and one of its finest moments is Marcia's duet with her extremely fabulous daughter, "The Deni".

"Stomp!" was always the most likely track to be released as a single and the time has finally come to unleash this double dose of Hines' magic on the Australian public. Marcia and Deni have busily promoted "Stomp!" and, in my television highlight of the year, even performed the song on the steps of the Opera House with campy gay dancers on the finale of Australian Idol! I doubt the song will dent the charts given The Deni's impressive string of flops but I couldn't care less. A mother/daughter disco duet doesn't exactly happen every day, so I'm savouring every second of this trashtastic spectacle.

You are seriously missing out if you haven't watched the mind-boggling "Stomp!" video. I've never seen anything quite like it! Watch it here. The dancing policemen still make me laugh.

The CD single contains a handful of remixes, the best being Smash 'n' Grab's effort. This shouldn't be much of a surprise from the team who managed to make Dullta sound vaguely interesting on their remix of "Lost Without You". You can buy the single from Chaos.

Deni and Marcia at the finale of Australia idol. Nice pants, Deni!

Melissa Tkautz - My Trash Goddess

I can not believe Melissa's tragic new low! I was perusing the weekly rags and almost fainted when I saw this article about Ms Tkautz in "Woman's Day". Melissa is trying to drum up interest in her latest floptastic album, "The Glamorous Life", by brazenly suggesting that she is responsible for Simon Baker's Hollywood career and that she gave Marcus Graham his big break. It seems that Mel had the good fortune to fuck both of them but was sadly cast aside like a sack of old potatoes! Apparently, it took the fabulous bitch years to get over the heartbreak and devastated her to the point that she became celibate and closed herself off from the world. My favourite bit is when Melissa classily adds, "some guys thought I'd been raped!"



I can't describe how much I love Melissa right now. This is the kind of trashtastic, bottom of the barrel publicity that usually only La Toya or Dannii Minogue could pull off. The whole article is pure comedy, from the opening "Simon and Marcus left her heart and self-esteem shattered" to the caption "betrayed again". Yes, it seems that Melissa's latest boyfriend recently dumped her too. Is Mel the only person who doesn't see a pattern developing here? This is my favourite Melissa moment since she publicised her last comeback by becoming a spokeswoman for erectile dysfunction!



Bless her! Hopefully, she'll find a man who will put up with her crazy shit one of these days. In the meantime, support Mel's crumbling career and fragile grip on reality by purchasing her latest flop single "Easily Affected", which reached a lofty #82 on the Australian Singles Chart. You can order it online at Chaos. Her album has been delayed until March.
Hear more from this fabulous diva in my previous Melissa posts to be found in the November archive.

The Bop Girl - Pat Wilson

Pat Wilson is one of the forgotten figures of Australian pop music. Well, it's time to get correct and give Pat the respect she deserves! Few artists can claim to have sculpted something that captures the zeitgeist of the 1980s as perfectly as Pat Wilson's "Bop Girl". The song, the cover art and the music video all encapsulate the essence of the decade that taste forgot.

"Bop Girl" was a #2 hit in 1983 and by all accounts ruled the airways for most of the year. The song even generated enough interest to score an American and European release, which at the time was something of a coup. So, what happened? Pat released another couple of singles from a five track EP (also called "Bop Girl") but as far as I can tell, was never heard from again. What a travesty! Her other songs were uniformly excellent and Pat oozed charisma. I would love to know what happened to her.

Many hits from the early 80s remained radio staples well into the 90s, but I never remember hearing "Bop Girl" when I was growing up. It's almost as if Pat was written off as an embarrassing artefact of the 1980s and hidden away at the back of the dusty cupboard of Australian music history, right next to Colette and Jason Donovan. In fact, to my eternal shame, I only discovered Pat after watching a youtube clip of Dannii Minogue covering "Bop Girl" on Young Talent Time. I was astounded by Dannii's amazing performance but also by the insanely catchy song - which I thought might have been an old Beach Boys tune that had been given an YTT makeover. I was genuinely surprised that it was an Australian song from the 80s. Surely, something this good would have been a staple on radio? Obviously not.

There has been something of a happy ending for Pat. "Bop Girl" has become a favourite on music video channels due to the appearance of a young Nicole Kidman in the hilarious video clip, while "Strong Love" was chosen to be part of the Countdown revival album. Hopefully, Pat will now be worshipped by a new generation of fans for her small but invaluable contribution to Australian music.

Watch these essential "Bop Girl" clips:

The Bop Girl music video - directed by Gillian Armstrong ("Little Women", "My Brilliant Career" etc). Look out for Nicole Kidman's bad dancing. This is surely in the running for the best Australian clip of the 80s.

Bop Girl Countdown performance - be amazed by Pat's intricate finger dance, drag queen make-up and the bizarre aerobics going on in the background

Dannii's scintillating version of Bop Girl on Young Talent Time - how brilliant is Dannii? Watch out for fellow ex-YTT member Tina Arena as a backing singer/dancer.

Young Divas - The Gayest Album EVER!

I have already discussed Young Divas at length in my Paulini post but after listening to their debut album for the past week, I thought they deserved their own. Young Divas have done the impossible and put together an album that "out gays" Marcia's "Discotheque"! In fact, both albums share pretty much the same concept. Marcia's album is comprised of covers of disco classics from the 1970s, while Young Divas stick to 1980s pop music. And not just any old 80s material. This album is basically a collection of gay anthems and trash classics! The tracklist itself was enough to get my juices flowing and after listening to the album several times over the past week, I can say that I'm not disappointed!

There are a couple of tracks that have been done to death and really should have been left in peace - but who cares? Paulini and her backing singers breathe life into these classics and will hopefully bring a whole new audience to the likes of Donna Summer and Laura Brannigan. A couple of interpretations are unneccessary and fall flat but, on the whole, this album is gay pop heaven and about as much fun as you can have without being on drugs! I'm obviously not the only one who thinks so because the album beat out some serious competition to debut at #4 on the Australian Album Chart, while the second single from the album, "Happenin' All Over Again", climbs into the top 10.

Here is my track by track review:

What A Feeling: Irene Cara's classic gets yet another workout. I was expecting to be annoyed by this given my affection for all things Giorgio Moroder and Irene Cara. However, the layered vocals work a treat and this anthem can't help but make you dig out some leg warmers and dance around like a poofter. I love it - but it loses a point for the cheap keyboards. 9/10

This Time I Know It's For Real: Young Divas launched their career with this SAW cover and it manages to more than hold its own with Donna Summer's original and Kelly Llorenna's fabulous high energy re-make. The song hit number #2 and is still in the top 50. "This Time" is heavenly. Kudos to the producers for being smart enough to let Paulini do most of the singing. 10/10

Right About Now: Now this is the odd one out! A cover of a Mousse T dance hit from a few years ago. The Divas have turned this into an En Vogue inspired urban groove anthem. The song doesn't really fit that well with the others but it does come as a relief amongst all the cheese. I have a feeling this could be the next single as the girls sang it on the final of Australian Idol last Sunday night. It could be a grower but it's not my favourite. 7/10

Gloria: This is one of those songs that should never be messed with. Laura Brannigan's original would definitely make a list of my 20 favourite songs of all time. So, I was a more than a bit reluctant to listen to this. It is a butchery, but such a big, bright, gay hatchet job that I'm ashamed to say I LOVE it. I just hope Laura isn't spinning in her grave. 9/10

Happenin' All Over Again: The second single from the album takes on Lonnie Gordon's big hit. It's fun but hasn't grabbed me like their cover of "This Time I Know It's For Real". I would take Lonnie's version over this any day. That said, "Happenin' All Over Again" is still top shelf pop. 8/10

Searchin': This song has always amused me - pop music's most infamous lesbian singing about hunting down a man. Hazell Dean's original is a high camp classic and this version stays pretty true to the original but injects some much needed attitude. Such insipid trash - I ache for it! 8.5/10

Woman In Love: By far the strangest interpretation. While most of the cover versions "gay up" the originals to an even greater extent, Young Divas turn Barbra Streisand's classic into a slow groove R'n'B number. I'm not sure it works. In fact, it doesn't. Barbra's version shits all over this. 6/10

It's Raining Men: How many people have covered this song? It would have to make the list of the most covered songs of the past 20 years. I was dreading another version after that filthy Halliwell bitch (Geri - not Deirdre!) destroyed it for the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack. This version is much better than fat Geri's. In fact, it almost matches the heights of Deirdre Halliwell's "It's Raining Jizz"! The Weather Girls still take the crown but this is surprisingly excellent. 8/10

Let's Hear It For The Boy: I adore Deniece Williams and was fearing what the Divas would do with her 80s classic. I was relieved and delighted when I discovered that they had given the song a bubble gum pop makeover! This would make my shortlist for the next single. Deniece fans will probably pull their hair out in disgust but admit it - this is insanely fun! 9.5/10

She Works Hard For The Money: Another Donna Summer classic gets a Young Divas makeover and just like their cover of "This Time I Know It's For Real", this is an absolute winner. Another possible single, this is just about irresistable. 9.5/10

Say I'm Your No. 1: Yet another Stock Aitken Waterman cover, this time it's Princess's turn. "Say I'm Your Number One" is one of the classiest songs ever to come out of the hit factory and Young Divas do it proud. The slower pace comes as a bit of a relief after the onslaught of gay disco that comes before it. Paulini's lead vocals are sublime. 8.5/10

You'll Never Stop Me From Loving You: Yes, that ugly, red troll -Sonia- gets a Young Divas overhaul. The Divas shit all over that hideous beast. They seem to save their best for SAW covers and this is another superb track. A great way to end the album. 8/10

Overall Verdict: This is fuckin' gay and essential for all homosexualists. Order your copy at Chaos or Sanity.