My La Toya Dictionary

La Toya Jackson is one of the patron saints of Pop Trash Addicts - as the multitude of posts devoted to Queen Toy clearly attest. I've had a couple of queries about some of the Toy terminology that I use, so I have decided to put together a La Toya Dictionary. As La Toya's new single, "Armed & Famous", is apparently ready to hit radio and propel La Toya to international superstardom, there is no time like the present for a little La Toya education!

La Toya Dictionary

Amy – Ja-Tail’s technologically challenged secretary.

Baby Sister – A formal nickname for La Toya’s sister Janet. Stems from La Toya’s 1986 song about Janet, called “Baby Sister”.

Back door – La Toya’s anus. This term became popular with Toy Soldiers after La Toya sang about rubbing her big back door in “Just Wanna Dance”.

Chicken Fajitas – La Toya’s favourite vegetarian meal.

The Church – An abbreviation for The Church of La Toya, which is the spiritual home of La Toya fans.

Do a chest-to-chest – A reference to lyrics in “Just Wanna Dance”. Literal meaning is to rub one’s breasts against someone else’s breasts in a sexual manner.

Feel somebody’s funk – To be attracted to someone. A reference to La Toya’s debut single, and Dutch top 20 smash hit, “If You Feel The Funk”.

Front door – La Toya’s vagina. A reference to lyrics in the song “Sexbox”.

Get correct – A reference to lyrics in La Toya’s New Zealand mega-hit “You’re Gonna Get Rocked”. Another way of saying “wisen up”.

Gordon Years – The years La Toya spent married to Jack Gordon.

Ja-Tail – La Toya’s useless record company – which has still managed to not release a single commercially available item in 5 years.

Ja-Tail Gate – The scandal that ensued when a Toy Soldier discovered that Ja-Tail’s office is a post box.

Jack Gordon – La Toya’s psychotic and abusive ex-manager, who is currently burning in hell.

Janft - Janet Jackson

Jeffre Phillips – La Toya’s incompetent manager and rumoured gay husband.

Manet – Janet Jackson. This nickname brings attention to Janet’s masculine appearance.

Manita Ho – A play on Janet Jackson’s middle name, Damita Jo. This nickname brings attention to both Janet’s masculine build and the fact that she is a slut.

Toy Toy, The Tranny & Manita Ho

Psychic Toy – References to La Toya’s reputed psychic power and supernatural abilities come from La Toya fronting a psychic hotline.

Put someone in check - A threat of violence. This is another reference to "You're Gonna Get Rocked".

Rub one’s big back door – A reference to the lyrics in “Just Wanna Dance”. Means to rub one’s buttocks in a sexual fashion.

Sexbox - La Toya's vagina. A reference to lyrics in La Toya's Dutch smash hit "Sexbox".

Throw it down – La Toya claims to be “throwin’ it down with a new sound” in “You’re Gonna Get Rocked, meaning to “show what one’s got”.

Toy – A more formal version of La Toya’s nickname.

Toy’s Haven – La Toya’s fan chatroom.

Toy Soldiers – La Toya’s fans.

Toy Toy – La Toya’s nickname. Fans use it as a term of endearment.

Toygasm – An orgasm experienced while reading about, watching or listening to La Toya.

Toygate – The scandal that followed La Toya claiming that Michael Jackson was a child molester.

Toyriffic – Terrific but in a camp, outrageous or fabulously unsuccessful way.

Toytacular – Spectacular but in a camp, outrageous or fabulously unsuccessful way.

Toytastic – Fantastic but in a camp, outrageous or fabulously unsuccessful way.

The Tranny – Michael Jackson. A reference to Michael’s cross-dressing antics.

Trial Toy Toy – A reference to La Toya's fabulous publicity whoring antics at Michael Jackson's trial.

The Universal Love Of La Toya – The original place of online worship for La Toya fans.

Walls – La Toya’s vaginal opening. A reference to lyrics in La Toya’s Euro-house classic “Sexual Feeling”.

Armed & Famous

This really is a special week. Not only is Kylie releasing new material but La Toya Jackson's new reality show, "Armed & Famous", debuts this Wednesday on CBS in America. I guess it is not officially Toy's show but who will be paying attention to the other international A List celebrities when Toy is on camera? The clips I have seen of "Armed & Famous" are almost unbelievably fabulous. The basic premise is that 5 superstars (Toy, Erik Estrada, Wee Man, Jack Osbourne and Trish the wrestler) are put through rigorous police training and then unleashed upon the American town of Muncie as real officers. Imagine a cross between "Private Benjamin" and "Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty". Yes, it's THAT good!




Naturally, La Toya managed to upstage everyone before the show even started - by being the most useless recruit! It seems that despite Toy's hot body and brief career as a workout guru, she was not fit enough to pass the fitness exam. I'm not sure how they expected her to do push-ups with three inch acrylic nails! Thankfully, Toy was given permission to continue with her training - which involves weapons instruction and most fabulously, being tasered! The footage of Toy being tasered has become a youtube phenomenon and in true La Toya fashion, she manages to make being tasered look HOT. Other exciting developments include Jack Osbourne admitting that he is frightened of Toy (he's obviously intimidated by her raw sexuality!) and the rumour that La Toya is getting friendly with Erik Estrada. Erik still looks pretty good to me; Toy should ride him the first chance she gets!



I can't wait to watch the show. I'm praying it turns up on the usual torrent sites shortly after airing. Until then, check out the CBS "Armed & Famous" website and the official "Armed & Famous" fansite. If the show is a success, it could mean that La Toya's amazing "Startin' Over" album will finally see the light of day. La Toya has always been the most talented and attractive Jackson sibling - this just might be the year that things start to go her way. Here are a couple of "Startin' Over" tracks that I posted in my "Best Albums of 2006" list.

Your Christmas Toy!

I wanted to share something special for Christmas and I couldn't think of anything better than my favourite album by any Jackson! La Toya's opus, "Heart Don't Lie", would easily make the list of my 10 favourite albums of all time. In fact, statistical research (carried out by yours truly) suggests that 4 out of 5 Sydney drag queens prefer "Heart Don't Lie" to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". If that isn't reason enough to get you downloading, I don't know what is! I'm going to post the album in full because I truly believe that every pop fan should own this masterpiece in one form or another. The album was only released on CD in Japan, and if you want a copy, expect to pay up to $US 300.

"Heart Don't Lie" was released in 1984, THE glory year for the Jackson family. Michael was still riding the "Thriller" tidal wave, Jermaine had top 10 success with his "Dynamite" album, Rebbie unexpectedly hit the R'n'B top 5 with "Centipede", Janet launched her second solo album "Dream Street", and The Jacksons embarked on their hugely successful "Victory" tour. In the midst of all this, La Toya served up her third album, "Heart Don't Lie". Toy turned her back on the R'n'B sound of her first two albums (see the November and December archives) and fully embraced the synth-pop movement that was currently exploding in popularity all around the world. The result is one of the best albums of the 1980s and one of the most sadly forgotten albums in musical history. "Heart Don't Lie" was more successful than her previous releases and the title track was a minor hit in the US but this should have been La Toya's "Thriller" or "Control". I'm not being sarcastic, I prefer it to both.


"Heart Don't Lie" kicks off in fabulous style, with the upbeat pop song, "Think Twice". The warm sound of 80s pop music suits La Toya's unique vocals superbly. This is what La Toya's collaboration with SAW in the late 80s should have sounded like. "Think Twice" would have made a great first single, as it is somewhat more representative of the album than the title track. "Heart Don't Lie" blends reggae with bubblegum pop and the result is sublime - but unusual to say the least! The backing singers are Musical Youth, those "Pass The Dutchie" boys. This is one of my personal favourites, not in the least because of the craptastic 80s video.

The next song is another straightforward pop anthem. "Bet'cha Gonna Need My Lovin'" is a true 80s pop gem. This is better than anything Madonna managed in the decade that taste forgot, and I love 80s Madonna! Speaking of 80s icons, La Toya's amazing cover of Prince's "Private Joy" is definitely one of my top 5 Toy songs. I'm convinced this song is really about La Toya's extensive collection of vibrators but I could be mistaken. Pop heaven!

"Hot Potato" has become a cult classic over the years and Toy's fans recently voted it their equal favourite La Toya song. This song has everything - hilarious lyrics, barking dogs, gangster boyfriends and a spoken interlude by La Toya's bodyguard. "Hot Potato" is essential La Toya! "I Like Everything You're Doin'" would not sound out of place on Janet's "Control". The song incorporates more elements of 80s R'n'B than most of the album but remains very much "pop".

The standard of the album is so high that the quality had to slip eventually. "Frustration" is the only song on "Heart Don't Lie" that I don't love. However, I still enjoy it. Blame Tito, who produced this number with his father, Joe Jackson. The album ends with one of La Toya's notoriously unique ballads, "Without You". It seems a strange choice to end such an upbeat album with a ballad but "Without You" is such a jewel of 80s decadence with its elaborate spoken intro and vocal hystrionics that you wont mind a bit.

I hope La Toya gives your Christmas a sparkling "pop trash" gleam! Have a great day and save some pudding for me! See you soon for Blog Land's most craptastic end of year countdown.

My Special Love - La Toya Part 2

One of my first posts was dedicated to La Toya's debut album (see the November archive) and I thought it was about time that I got around to her second release, the utterly delicious "My Special Love". "My Special Love" was not as successful as "La Toya Jackson", which is a great shame because it is much better. With one major exception, "My Special Love" does not have any obvious singles or standout tracks. Instead, the album is consistently excellent from beginning to end. "My Special Love" should have been the album that launched Toy Toy into the pop stratosphere with her less talented brothers but, like just about everything else in La Toya's colourful life, things did not go to plan and the album bombed.

According to Toy's autobiography, her father and then manager, Joe, basically screwed everything up. He alienated contacts in the industry, interfered with the record company and decided on who Toy should work with. The mystery is how the fucking thing ended up being so good. The album begins with a cover of Billy Ocean's disco hit "Stay The Night", which was also the first and only single released from the album. In my opinion, this is one of the biggest mistakes with the whole project. "Stay The Night" is great fun but hardly distinctive enough to launch an album. The sad thing is they had any number of excellent songs to choose from.

"Fill You Up" is not one of the above mentioned excellent songs. "Fill You Up" follows the disco-lite formula of "Stay The Night" but lacks any sense of melody. It is by far the weakest song on the album, although "Fill You Up" is not awful by any means. The next song, "Giving You Up", is a fantastic collaboration with brother Randy. This is an insanely catchy pop tune that shows what Toy Toy can do when given good material. It also demonstrates Randy's rather formidable singing voice. "Giving You Up" is followed by the wonderful "Love Song", a track that many Toy fans name as their favourite from the album. "Love Song" is top shelf Toy! The funky brass backing combined with La Toya's attitude filled vocal delivery results in a truly toytastic pop moment.

"I Don't Want You To Go" is the album's requisite power ballad and La Toya launches into the song with her passionate high pitched vocals. I'm convinced Toy Toy hits notes in this song that have never been captured on record before or since. The song shows what La Toya's pipes are capable of! La Toya is assisted on the next song by her obese sister, Janet. Toy and Janet wrote "Camp Kuchi Kaiai" together and the song is about as ridiculous as the title suggests. Janet obviously used the experience to observe, some might say steal, La Toya's magical vocal delivery. Be warned, some of the notes hit on this song are so high that my dog hits its head against the wall in pain when I play it. I think it was probably Janet's last good song.

The penultimate song, "Summertime With You" is a warm and breezy song that is the perfect soundtrack to any sunny day. Toy has never sounded so relaxed and confident. That leads us to the last song on the album and the only song that stands head and shoulders above the others. In fact, I think "Special Love" might be my favourite La Toya song. Ever. The orchestral opening is an exquisite touch and makes the subtle disco beat that follows all the more unexpected. The music reminds me of a melancholic interpretation of John Paul Young's "Love Is In The Air". The result is something akin to a demented wedding waltz, only at a wedding where the groom is terminally ill or about to spend 25 years in prison. Ok, maybe I've listened to the song once too often, so make up your own mind.

This album was only released on CD in Japan and the pleasure of owning a copy will set you back anywhere up to $US 200. Jamie, internationally reknowned Toy fan, recently announced that an American company is considering a re-issue. Fingers crossed that it comes to fruition. In the meantime, search second hand record store's for a vinyl copy and enjoy my small selection from the album:

La Toya's Sexbox

I've mentioned La Toya Jackson's "Sexbox" several times, so I thought it was about time I shared the song in case you haven't experienced its splendour. "Sexbox" is arguably Toy's biggest hit, rocketing into the Dutch top 30 in the early 90s! The song is so hilarious that it defies any kind of serious analysis. The producers have thrown in a sample of Madonna's "Like A Virgin", a dose of bad 90s rapping and some of La Toya's most fabulous lyrics.

If Toy's "Sexbox" gets your juices flowing, hunt down "No Relations", which includes "Sexbox", the Grammy nominated "Reggae Nights" and La Toya's leather queen anthem "Submission". "No Relations" can be found pretty easily on Ebay and I think Amazon might still have a few copies in stock.

Feel Her Funk - La Toya Part 1

This is a very personal post for me because La Toya Jackson is one of my very favourite people on this planet. La Toya (or Toy as she is known to her tens of fans around the globe!) represents everything I love in a celebrity - fame, shame and a good comeback. I could probably write a novel about La Toya's contribution to trash culture but there is more to La Toya than her riveting Playboy spreads, fabulous plastic surgery and attention grabbing behaviour - her brilliant and almost entirely overlooked musical career.

It would take me several days to reflect on Toy's musical legacy, so I'll do it one album at a time. It seems fitting to start with Toy's debut album, 1980's "La Toya Jackson" because it has recently been re-issued by Cherry Pop largely due to the loving effort and dedication of La Toya's astonishing fansite - The Church Of La Toya. The Church is worth visiting even if you have extremely poor taste and do not admire this living treasure. Very few fansites show such creativity and originality. Toy's church is indeed holy ground and she is blessed to have dedicated fans like Max and Jamie.

Back to the album! "La Toya Jackson" is an inspired debut that has stood the test of time. Here is a copy of the (slightly overexcited) review I submitted to www.amazon.co.uk!



La Toya Jackson is one of the most criminally underappreciated artists in the history of music. The reason for this is an eternal mystery to Toy Soldiers around the globe: La Toya has the looks, attitude and stunning vocal ability to match it with anyone in the business. However, through some sad twist of fate La Toya's albums have mostly faded into obscurity - until now!

"La Toya Jackson" is the timely re-release of La Toya's magnificent debut album, which was greeted with much enthusiasm by critics and fans upon its original 1980 release. The album includes contributions from a long list of RnB luminaries and represents a compelling mix of RnB funk, disco beats and luscious ballads. This album is a triumph for La Toya and holds up wonderfully 26 years later.

The album begins with La Toya's much loved "If You Feel The Funk". This was a minor hit on the RnB chart and remains a fan favourite. I guarantee that you won't be the same after feeling La Toya's funk! The next track, "Save Your Love" is a personal favourite. This is disco Toy at her funkiest, pleading with her man to save his love while she's on the road. "Are You Ready" is another great example of an RnB groove, 80s style. Next comes "Night Time Lover", La Toya's infamous duet with her brother, Michael. If you can overcome the slightly disturbing imagery of siblings singing about touching each other in the dark, then this is a winner! Toy proves herself to be more than Michael's equal with her erotically charged performance.

"A Taste Of You (Is A Taste Of Love)" is the album's first ballad and showcases La Toya's tremendous vocal range. This is followed by "Lovely Is She", one of Toy's most appealing mid-tempo ballads. The lyrics could not describe La Toya more perfectly - "lovely is she, beautiful and charming". The album closes with the deep groove of "If I Ain't Got It". This song is full of attitude and contains an unforgettable baseline that will have you hooked from the first listen.

"La Toya Jackson" is a great album, from beginning to end. It is a great starting point for people who have yet to fall under La Toya's irresistible spell, while for Toy's millions of devoted fans, this re-release will more than help to fill the void until the release of "Startin' Over", La Toya's much anticipated new album.

As a footnote, I should add that "Startin' Over" is still unreleased. However, I'll get to that later. The "Startin' Over" saga is more entertaining than "The Bold & The Beautiful" and "Days Of Our Lives" combined! In the meantime, here are some divine Toy tracks to cherish. If you like what you hear, please buy the album at Amazon or Play.


Remember to visit Toy's Church and say hello at Toy's forum!