New Year's Resolution #3

Resolution #3 - I'm Going On A Manhunt!

This is my third, and last, New Year's resolution post. I've decided that the whole resolution process is a load of crap anyway. So far I've vowed to get fit and work out my career. My last resolution is the most ambitious - to find the last decent, single gay man in Australia. I might as well have resolved to build a time machine or to revive Dannii's music career! With my track record of married men, drug dealers and general psychos, this resolution is going to take some doing. Therefore, I have brought out the big guns for some moral support and advice.

Firstly, some mood music. Given my deep love of all things Euro-trash, it seems only fitting to begin with Nicki French's spinster anthem, "Is There Anybody Out There?". Let's face it, Nicki is about as trashy as it gets. I love her dearly but surely Nicki's grandchildren should lock her away in a nursing home. Nicki claims to be in her 40s but I think she has forgotten several decades due to dementia. It's a sad day when you identify with Nicki French. I thought chasing Melissa Tkautz across the dancefloor of a gay nightclub screaming "sexy is STILL the word!" was my lowest moment but musing over Nicki's overwrought, self-pitying lyrics such as "feeling like a song without a tune" is surely even more desperate.

Nicki isn't the only fabulous has-been to express how I'm feeling with regards to men and dating. New Zealand's amazing Sharon O'Neill has recorded a number of songs dealing with man trouble but the most applicable to moi is still her 80s hit "How Do You Talk To Boys", which I shared in one of my very first posts. Sharon was so far ahead of her time, it boggles the mind. This song tells the tragic tale of a woman who can't communicate with people she would like to fuck. I love the line about boring herself to tears.

I have no idea what Jenny Wilson is on about most of the time, but Robyn's some time duet partner hits the nail on the head with her opus "Love Ain't Just A Four Letter Word". I think. Jenny Wilson is possibly the most annoying bitch in pop. When she's good she's brilliant but when she's bad, she's the female Jose Gonzalez. Gross. This song is slightly depressing in a serious, Swedish artiste kind of way but catchy enough not to make you suicidal. I think the message of the song is meant to be uplifting... but I could be wrong.

If nothing else, I'm quite certain that this will be the only post in the history of Blogging to contain both Jenny Wilson and Collette! Collette is one of my favourite Australian pop divas from the 1980s. Collette only had one big hit but her obsession with bike pants is still being parodied today. Collette mostly recorded bright, happy songs for people to listen to on ecstasy. That is probably the reason why "Ordinary Man" has always seemed slightly out of place in Collette's catalogue of "hits". There is a definite twist of melancholy to "Ordinary Man" - although it is well hidden under Collette's unorthodox (ie. crap) vocals and the gloriously cheesy beats. This is my current anthem. No 80s loving homosexual pop fan should be without "Ordinary Man" in their collection.

Ok, enough depressing mood music. It's time to get pro-active! When faced with man trouble, Millie Jackson sought the advice of a love doctor. I wonder if this love doctor takes Visa and makes house calls... Whatever the case may be, "Love Doctor" is one of Millie's finest moments - and there is not a sexercise in sight! Just as fabulous, only in a slightly tragic way, is Karen Kamon's "Manhunt". Karen preaches a more direct approach to snaring a man and who am I to disagree? The flaw in Karen's thesis is surely the quality of man you will pick up while dancing like a slut in a club. I guess "Manhunt" is the soundtrack for those days when you're only pre-requisites are a penis and a pulse. We've all been there!

It seems appropriate to finish this meandering post with a song about a tragic cyber loser! "Don't Stray From My Site" is hilarious and gorgeous at the same time. In fact, I've become so taken with this singer that she is the purchase of a strap-on away from being my soulmate! I'm talking about Natalie Imbruglia's far more talented sister, Laura. Laura Imbruglia's music is so good that it is almost scary. Expect to see a long and detailed post about Laura in the very near future. In the meantime, enjoy this song about internet losers. It has to be the first and only song to mention emoticons, Windows, LOL, LMAO and MSN. Laura is a genius. Fact.